…learning to live a life filtered by the truth of the gospel.

being stable January 18, 2015

Filed under: seriousness — Stephanie @ 2:43 pm
Tags: , , , ,

After a lifetime of ups and downs, riding a roller coaster I never bought a ticket for, I can finally say it: I am stable.

I woke up one morning and realized that I felt good. Not the good that comes from mania, but normal good. I felt normal emotions with ordinary highs and lows. Over time, I realized that the “normal” was sticking around. And that makes me really happy. Because after so long being either in mania or depression, mostly depression, I feel like a human being. No deep darkness, no painful emptiness. No sleepless nights and raging mania. It’s a profound relief that I’m not sure I can describe. It’s like getting off that roller coaster when you hate roller coasters. Like finally crawling into bed after a long day. Like finally holding that baby you’ve carried for nine months. Relief where you close your eyes and sigh because whatever it is, it’s finally over.

It’s a combination of medications and therapy (huge shout-out to my psych nurse and therapist!). It’s striving every day for normalcy. Taking meds every day, going to therapy twice a month. Doing things that make me healthy.

And writing is a therapist prescribed part of my treatment.

So here I am writing. Once again stepping out and shedding light into the darkness. Opening myself up to judgment because of my illness. But I’ve found some things out in the last few months. One, that people are way more supportive than I ever thought. Two, that my mental illness does not define me. Three, that there is Light in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it. God has answered my prayer, and the prayers of many others, for rest from the disease I carry.


6 Responses to “being stable”

  1. Steph Says:

    Love this. Love you.


  2. therollaway Says:

    I hear you about the roller coaster thing. I, too, suffer from bipolarity. I have tried a few drugs and they haven’t worked out so far. Plus I am afraid of losing my highs. Writing is also very relaxing for me too. Thanks for speaking up. I hate the stigma with which this disease comes. Hope all is well, stay off that roller coaster


  3. Denise Says:

    I know this feeling. I cannot describe it as you have, but, it’s a wonderful feeling. It makes the worries of other things in life so much more bearable, as well as making them seem so unimportant. I have bad anxiety and panic attacks, which I worried was somehow a punishment from God for not being the Christian I should be, but, I’ve since realized that it’s not that, it’s the devil trying to make me miserable and crazy. It is however, our wonderful God that has made me better. God bless you Stephanie. I’m so happy that you’ve found this for yourself and your family.


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