life:filtered

…learning to live a life filtered by the truth of the gospel.

Jesus, bipolar and me January 29, 2015

Filed under: seriousness — Stephanie @ 4:25 pm
Tags: , ,

I have Jesus and I have bipolar.

So now it’s time to talk about how Jesus comes into bipolar disorder. What he does in that chaos. We all have our own messes and mine just happens to be bipolar, among many others that I have.

When I first got diagnosed, I was relieved. Finally I had an answer to my questions—why I got so depressed so easily, why sometimes I flipped into a raging machine (the manias aren’t always that pretty). So my first prayer after walking out of my psych nurse’s office was one of profound thanksgiving. Thank you that I have an answer now. Thank you that the right meds will fix this. The next thing I thought about was my identity. How it wasn’t bound up in any diagnosis, but bound instead to the identity that is mine in Christ. That I was the same person I was when I walked out of the office as when I walked into the office. I have had to remind myself of that many times. That only Jesus defines me. But though it has taken more than a year, I am stable and can reflect on how he has carried me down this road.

When I’m in a depressive or manic episode, Jesus feels like he’s not even there. To say he feels a million miles away is an understatement. But, that I’ve gotten through the episodes is proof to me that he is there. That he’s not distant or absent as I feel it, but that he’s right there. My pastor is fond of saying that we’re always right where we’re supposed to be and that Jesus is right in the middle of the mess with us. That’s a hard word when you’re in the middle of the storm.

What does Jesus do in my life? The one wracked with bipolar? He buoys me up in those times when I’m crippled by depression. Those times I can’t see anything but the storm. The waves crashing over and around. I lose sight of him. Every time. When I’m a raging mess, he calms with his hand, staying me just long enough that the danger passes. Either way, I’ve lost sight of him. But he’s never lost sight of me.

Those are the times I lean on the faith of others, I reach out and borrow their faith, praying that it’s enough when I can’t see through the spray. I let the worship of his people wash over me. Seeing their faith, knowing that they still have faith is enough to quiet my fears. I’ve said before, many times, that the prayers of his people have pulled me through the worst times of my life. I could name all those saints here, but I’d forget someone so I’d better not.

I can’t say I’m always faithful to find him in the storms, but thank God he’s always found me. Because in the end, there’s always Jesus.

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7 Responses to “Jesus, bipolar and me”

  1. Kelly Flora Says:

    Keep writing……there’s healing in your words, not just for you but for others as well. 🙂

    Like

  2. Denise Says:

    I love reading your blog, especially since you are Christian. You are an incredible writer Stephanie and you have such a way with words. Always thankful that you allow me to be a part of this.

    Like

  3. dave george Says:

    Stephanie, this may be the most real and powerful piece of yours that I have read! Dave

    Like

  4. Anne Says:

    Reading this was so inspiring. I was diagnosed a little over 2 months ago. After hearing bipolar I felt like I had answers, there was a reason I have the issues I have. The ups and downs are SO hard. But like you, I am thankful GOD is there with me, even if I feel hopeless. Thank you for your words.

    Like


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