life:filtered

…learning to live a life filtered by the truth of the gospel.

indifference January 24, 2015

Filed under: seriousness — Stephanie @ 8:36 am
Tags: , ,

I’ve been writing a lot about my mental illness recently. So much that maybe I’ve lost focus. For a blog about filtering life through the gospel, I haven’t been doing so much of that. And that’s because I am feeling indifferent towards God. Even hostile at times, sitting in church with my arms crossed defiantly. Not because I’m angry. Not because I’m hurting. Not because of anything other than something inside me. Like most everything else in my life, it just is. And I’ve been struggling to break out of this place like so many times I’ve struggled to break out of a depression. But sometimes I just don’t care.

There, I said it. Sometimes I don’t care.

It’s not that I don’t care about God, I do. It’s just that I don’t care about doing the things that would draw me closer to him. It’s something in my soul that is dragging me down.

So I quit reading my Bible, quit praying. I still go to church, out of obligation or habit. Maybe both. But I don’t feel it. I still sing the songs and bow my head. But I’m a thousand miles away. I don’t feel it. I know feelings are indicators in a life of faith but can’t be relied on as truth. I can’t rely on an experience of God every time I step through the doors of the church or open the Bible. But his name, it’s rarely on my lips anymore. I seldom have a thought that is directly about him.

Why do we walk through these times of apathy? Of being so out of tune with God that we move to the place where we don’t care? Of stumbling along out of step with him? It feels horrible. Until the numbness sets in. Then I feel nothing. I lose my motivation to change where I am and can only hope it doesn’t take a crisis to get me back in harmony with him.

But the truth is, I’m pretty comfortable where I am. Comfortable writing instead of reading the Bible. Comfortable watching Law and Order: SVU instead of praying. More likely to sleep than get up and spend a little time with the Lord. I make excuses for reasons I can’t do it. My kids beat me up every morning. There’s no time alone. I can’t leave my little one alone to read or pray. I’m too busy, too plugged in, too tired. Excuses. Every single one.

Except for times like these, when the comfort irks a little more. When it gets a little under my skin to not care. When I hear a song that calls me home. When my heart skips a little to think of Him. The Holy Spirit poking at me just a little.

So somewhere, buried deep in my being, the desire is still there.

Is that enough?

I hope so because right now, it’s all I’ve got.